The Shift

Yes, it has been months since I have written anything. A lot of life has been going on. My pal Beth, who is my partner in crime, (and editor so you will now see many more grammatical errors and typos!) had to exit from the project. You will hear from her again but right now she has some things that need to be taken care of offline. I think I felt lost and a loss of identity. So I didn’t know how to start over without her. But isn’t that what I am doing at this time in my life anyway? Starting over, changing course, taking the road less traveled? It sounds good in theory but in practice…hmmm…a little more difficult.
I went to this very cool “retreat” called Soul Camp a few weeks ago (I have never felt so out of place and at home at the same time!) and it has literally rekindle my fire and given me permission to do and be who I AM.
So I wanted to give a shout out to my Soul Camp Mates and let everyone know I am going to be writing and letting my gut/my soul lead the way with this blog. It will still be all about Being 40…at least for 3 1/2 more years but I’m not sure what shape and form that will take. Stay tuned…
xo
Darcie

I Give Up!

With lent upon us I have been reading articles and hearing from my clients and friends about what they are going to give up.

Lent usually comes down to giving up one of the following:

– Sweets of some sort

– Salty snacks

– Alcohol

Well, I want to propose something UNIQUE and DIFFERENT…what do you say, are you in?!? Are you at least curious? Then keep reading.

Here goes it.

For the next 46 days let’s all give up sitting on the sofa and watching tv.

WHAT?!

Yes, I recently had an “ah ha” moment. I wondered if there was a linchpin habit that I could modify that could potentially make a big difference…and I became curious about the SOFA and TV combo.

– This magical combo is how I zone out.

– This is where I drink too many glasses of wine.

– This is where I lounge and eat bags of chips and sneak cookies I buy for my son’s school lunch…while drinking that wine I mentioned earlier.

– This is where I watch shows I don’t even like half the time.

– This is where I lose hours upon hours of my life.

– This is the combo that makes me lifeless and completely unmotivated.

THE RULES FOR THE NEXT 46 DAYS

Don’t worry you can still sit and watch TV you just have to try a different combo. I tested out a few this week and the difference was remarkable

– I sat at the kitchen table and watched TV.

– I sat on the floor in my family room and watched TV.

– I sat on the sofa with the TV off and read.

None of these combinations produced the same affects. I didn’t sit for hours and hours watching stupid shows. I folded laundry, got work done, went to the gym, hugged my kid, called friends….it worked! Holy cow!

So I wanted to share this idea with everyone in the blogosphere in hopes that it might resonate with some of you. Let me know if you decide to take on the Sofa/TV combo for lent and how it goes. My guess is that it will have more of an impact than you might expect. I’m not sayin’…I’m just sayin’….

Darcie xx

Gratitude and grace

I am not graceful.  I took three years of dance classes as a child from a beautiful old German ballerina at the Fine Arts Center in Colorado Springs.  She pronounced my name Bess and she was full of grace in body and spirit.  At age ten, when it was obvious I was a duck and not a swan, she took me aside and said, “My dear Bess.  You are a lovely girl, but you are not a dancer.”

I didn’t feel injured.  In fact, I felt lovely and grateful that an adult had been honest with me (something I experienced very rarely growing up).

Experiencing gratitude continues to be the grace-filled moments in my life.  And I continue to experience gratitude at odd moments.  Recently I was cleaning my house and was suddenly overwhelmed with a feeling of gratitude.  I felt grateful for having three girls who put wadded up socks under the bed.  I was grateful to have a house to clean and a life so busy that the dust accumulates.  I felt a moment of deep, abiding gratitude as I cleaned my stove that I have a family to cook for, share meals with, and practice gratitude and honesty with every day.

Later in the week after my grateful cleaning day, I received this email from Darcie:

For those that know me well you know how important I think it is to be grateful.  It changes everything in a matter of seconds – you cannot be grateful and angry at the same time…it is literally impossible. I find it quite easy to go down the dark hole of fear and sadness and the one super simple thing I know that works to pull me out is gratitude.

So, when you have a moment please take the time to read the attached article.  I promise it will be worth your while.

http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2014/02/18/martin-seligman-gratitude-visit-three-blessings/

I’m still not very graceful.  I am quick to anger and quick to judge, stumbling down those dark holes of fear all the time.  But practicing gratitude and honesty make me feel lighter on my feet, almost graceful.

Squeaky Clean

I decided I wanted to share the email below that I recently sent to my closest girlfriends.  Fast forward, yes, the cleaning has continued and I am still not sure what it means but I am just staying open…stay tuned.

Email Subject Line: Cleaning

– I cleaned my home office.
– I cleaned the jewelry drawer and makeup drawers in my bathroom.
– I cleaned the ugly spice cabinet (in which I found spices that expired in 2006!).
– I cleaned the vitamin cabinet this morning as Ryan was getting ready for school…I am going to clean the basement next. I can’t stop thinking about getting down there to clean.

So why am I sharing this with you all? Well, each of you knows me well and has supported my growth over the years.
I just know that for some unknown reason when I was looking at what I wanted for my new years resolutions this year the first thing I thought of was “I want to clean a drawer every week”. I thought that was weird. It was so weird it didn’t even make the final “real” list…but here I am doing it anyway…compelled to clean! (and as a reminder if you have forgotten, I don’t like to clean anything ever ever)

Since I believe (as you all know) how you do anything is how you do everything – my feeling is that this year is about cleaning up and clearing out. In the physical world it is that jar of paprika that expired in 2006 and in the spiritual/inner world it could be thoughts about myself or what I am capable of that just don’t serve me any longer … and probably expired back in 2006 as well.

I am cleaning with no judgement or speed. I have been looking at each thing and putting it in a keep or trash pile. I am even taking the time to recycle washing out bottles and putting them in the recycling bin.

Not sure what this all means but will keep you all posted.

Thanks for being on my team. xxx Darcie

ps. Beth, this looks like my ramblings turned into a potential blog post…lol

Drunk, Fat, Bitch

I was out and about last week, getting a little Christmas shopping done.  I was about to park on my last of many stops when someone swooped in and stole the spot I was inches away from parking in.  Immediately a slew of profanity spewed from my mouth.  I pulled into a spot a little further down the row and stopped…just stopped and asked myself, “What good did flipping out do and being a big bitch do? Nothing.”  Why did I have to do that?

 

That situation made me think about the holiday season in general and what usually happens to me (if I am being really really honest).  I usually turn into some version of a DRUNK, FAT, BITCH.

 

Let me explain.

 

DRUNK – I always start the holiday season with good intentions and the plan is to go to holiday gatherings and stay in control and not drink too much.  By the week after Thanksgiving that is thrown out the window and I let myself overindulge.  It’s the holiday season!  I go to the company Christmas party and have three glasses of wine on an empty stomach and have diarrhea mouth and gossip a little too much with coworkers or say a little too much to the boss…and the next day my head hurts a little and I’m just not happy with the choices that I have made.  Or those neighborhood parties or the girls night out where you are just caught up in the moment and it is just so natural to say, “Oh, I’ll have just one more.”

 

FAT – So after I have had too much to drink I have to eat shit food the next day…all day. Which leads to me saying, “Well, I will just wait until next Monday to be good again”.  So the rest of the week I don’t eat well, snack on the goodies at the office and then there is another party on Friday or Saturday and I say…”what the hell” and eat and DRINK again…because I am going to start back on the straight and narrow on Monday again.  Which as we know doesn’t end up happening.  The vicious holiday cycle begins.

 

BITCH – I turn into a self absorbed bitch during the holidays. I know that part of it starts with not feeling too great about myself and the decisions I have made by drinking and eating too much. On the surface I may look happy and all giving….but I’m not.  I know this because I get lit so damn easily by silly things like someone taking a parking spot…I think “that’s not fair! who the fuck do they think they are? When they get out of their car I just dare them to look at me…I am going to give them such a bitchy look.” or other things like – someone changing lanes in front of me or the person in front of me drives too slow or  all my light up candy canes in the front yard keep falling over or I have to stand in the fucking long ass line at the post office to send gifts or my walls getting scratched as we bring in the Christmas tree…and the truly trivial list goes on.

 

Then New Year’s Day rolls around and I find myself angry and crying that I wasted yet another year and I feel like shit since I was a Drunk Fat Bitch through the holidays.

 

So I declare that this year will be different!!!  I think I caught myself early enough in the season to turn this ship in another direction.  I will not be the DRUNK FAT BITCH.  I will do my best to not even be any combo of the above.

I won’t be a

Drunk Bitch

Fat Bitch

Drunk and Fat

Drunk

Fat

or

a Bitch

 

Who’s with me?

 

Merry Christmas!

Darcie xx

Remembering Aunt Sharon

My Great Aunt Sharon passed away this week.  She was like a grandma to me because my grandma (who was and still is my favorite person in the entire world) died when I was 13.  She looked like my Grandma Ruby, she laughed like my Grandma Ruby, she danced like my Grandma Ruby….

It was unexpected and I’m sad that I didn’t get to say goodbye.

What I know about my Auntie Sharon:
She had a great laugh and laughed A LOT.
She had a zest for life and a comical lightness of being…sorta like Betty White…kind of “don’t take it all so seriously” attitude.
She LOVED her children and grandchildren.
She thought I was special and that made me feel good.
She thought my son was very, very special and that made me feel really good.
She was an artist. 
She was up for pretty much anything.  If you asked her to do something she would say “yes”.
She had an agelessness about her spirit.  
She loved to gamble…and had a knack for winning (seriously had incredible luck and won often).
She loved a good martini…sometimes in the afternoon.
She gave great hugs. 

She wasn’t ever hiding from life–she enjoyed it.  Simple and complete.  A sweet reminder that acquiring things doesn’t make a life but enjoying and acquiring experiences with family and friends does. 

I will miss her very much.
~Darcie

Between 14 and 44

My son just started his freshman year. He is my only child so this is the one and only time I will be “doing high school”.  When I walked onto campus, memories of my own high school days came streaming back and not the ones that seem to always be there. They were fresh ones, like how my Geometry class was in the basement of the administration building, making our homecoming float in the quad, going down to the stream to eat lunch or when Jason McMurray chose me to go on the roof of the school building to try and make out.

But I digress….that isn’t the point of this…

We had our first Varsity Football home game and I was so excited to be there. To experience high school again – Friday Night Lights with the Metea Valley Mustangs!

Wake Up Call

I realized when I entered the stadium that I’m a parent of a high school kid NOT the high school kid. That makes me ancient, uncool, a bad dresser (or the dreaded wanna be/cougar that tries to dress younger than she is)…I don’t want to be those things.

I took my seat on the bleachers next to my friends who seemed oblivious to the significance in this moment (did I say I have a flair for the dramatic?).

The music was blaring through the loud speakers. Kids were everywhere, laughing, horsing around, screaming, flirting, gossiping…football players on the field and off the field all in their jerseys, marching band members dressed and carrying their instruments (did you know it is cool to be in marching band now…who knew?!?), girls in the shortest shorts and boys in baggy pants.

As I was taking in this sensory overload, I suddenly felt this energy to my right. I turned my head and was looking at the energy that I had been drawn to…the cheerleaders for MVHS. They were walking through the stands – uniforms with glitter, big bows in their perfectly curled blonde and brunette ponytails, giggling and excited for this first of the treasured high school football games.

One of the girls ran up to her mom in the stands and it was a mom that I knew. The mom has had a rough road–divorce, two kids, a little bitter…okay a lot bitter. Watching the interaction between the two of them, which just looked like a mom smiling and talking to her daughter, seemed significant to me. Mom is tired and the road has been rough. Daughter full of goals and big plans for life.

What happens? What happens between 14 and 44? It was a clear moment for me that showed how quickly life happens. Every decision, every non-decision and the attitude that I have chosen have lead me to this moment … and it went by at lightning speed. All those 14 year-olds will be 44 and sitting in the stands one day SOON. What choices will they have made? Will they have a great career doing what they love? Will they have kids? Will they be on Prozac? Will they be divorced? Will they be 50 lbs overweight? Will they be happy?

I still don’t like being the old lady in the stands, but that’s for me to maneuver and come to terms with. My BIG realization is that as the old proverb states…drop by drop the bucket fills. What I do today matters. The attitude I choose today matters. What I put in my mouth today matters. How I decide to treat my son today matters. How I decide to treat my coworkers today matters. How I decide to treat myself today matters. Laughing today matters. Slowing down today matters. Hugging a friend today matters. Calling my sister today matters.  The next time I am going to be in those stands I will probably be watching my grandson play football (next to my very handsome much younger new husband!!) and it will come probably twice as fast as 44 came at me.

I shall end with a quote from the great philosopher Ferris Bueller.  “Life moves pretty fast…if you don’t stop and look around once in awhile you could miss it.”

xx

Go Go Mustangs

 

  

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Like a freight train

My mid-life crisis came at me out of nowhere…one day I was fine and then the next it came at me like a freight train and I couldn’t move out of the way fast enough.

I was a few months away from my 40th birthday when it happened.  I just kept saying, Is this it? What is it all about?  Why am I here?  Soon I’ll be old and unattractive and won’t be able to do anything…I haven’t done anything…but I had actually done a lot of things, created a pretty terrific life and accomplished A LOT.

Yet, I felt this overwhelming panic that time was ticking down and my turn would be over soon.  I was so depressed and I couldn’t breath.  I am going to die.  Someday I will be DEAD…and that realization that time was short and that there was this finite amount of time to figure things out made me ill and dizzy.

Something or some things were missing.  I am not someone who gets depressed, but I couldn’t shake it deep in the pit of my stomach, this thing I couldn’t pinpoint.  It was like sadness, regret, defeat all rolled into one.  Actually, it was like chaos as described by Hamann in Anthropology of An American Girl…”Chaos is pretty much like having everything but the thing you need.”

On some level, I knew I had been kidding myself about how I was actually feeling about this lifetime and how it was going.  I felt loneliness…the panic, the sweeping hysteria that comes, not when you are without others, but when you are without yourself, adrift… I had a feeling there wasn’t much time left.  I did not think that feeling; my body just presented it to me with a new sense of urgency.

Up until the moment of my midlife crisis, my emotional detachment from my life was complex and beautifully choreographed and included throwing myself into my work, focusing on the family, vigorous workouts and, if I am really honest with myself, an unhealthy relationship with booze and food.  On the surface (and to most of my friends) it looked like everything was GREAT.  But under the surface of my perfectly normal life it didn’t feel so perfect to me.  Dare I ask for more, please?

My head was spinning and I was feeling a sense of vertigo. I finally called my sister Kea.  Four years younger than me…infinitely smarter with her doctorate in oriental medicine, Santa Cruzian mentality and in tune with all things spiritual….  it started with Kea … this quest of mine to figure “it” out.  Which of course lead me to a lot of great books and research and other really great women who had wonderful insight and wisdom to share along the way.

“What I feel at that moment is a start, an ignition, a sense that what is happening belongs less to what has preceded it than to what is yet to unfold…”

Darcie

Worth the chocolate

Is there an instant for every woman when we were told to be quiet and be nice?  Is there a moment for each of us when we are made to feel like we aren’t worth the fuss?

Mine was a moment when I was six…I used to love to go to the Sears at the mall and look at the candy counter with all of the chocolate .  I can still remember the way it smelled.  It was like my own little Willy Wonka world.

One time, my mom had bought a little bag of chocolate and apparently I wanted some.  I remember it being early in the morning and my mom was in the bathroom getting ready for work.  I guess I must have asked, then whined or something…next thing you know I am plopped on the toilet seat and my mom is shoving the chocolate in my mouth saying something like, “Okay, you want chocolate … here you go!”  I remember crying and her shoving chocolate in my mouth and the drool.  At that moment I knew that I wasn’t allowed to ask for what I wanted in life, ever.  I wasn’t allowed pleasure.  I wasn’t allowed to like the things I liked when I liked them.

Gosh, all she would have had to say is “Darcie, I get that you want some chocolate right now…but chocolate will have to wait until after school.”  Then she could have barked no at me when I whined and cried (if I even did that…which I don’t think I EVER did…but I could be all wrong…it doesn’t really matter because the story in my head as to the way it went down is the story in my head and the reality I have created for myself).

The way I felt as she shoved that chocolate in my mouth, piece after piece after piece, was confusion, guilt, sadness, a feeling of not being understood or heard.  I felt a real sense of sadness that all the chocolate would be gone now and who knew when we would go back to Sears and get more.  We didn’t have a lot of money, so I knew what a special treat that chocolate had been.

It is these moments that we carry around like stones in the pockets of our souls, weighing us down and holding us back.  What I learned:
Keep wants and needs to yourself because those thoughts are annoying and you are stupid little girl
Other people’s needs are more important than my own therefore my worth is less than others
I am a selfish, selfish little girl
No one will care even if I do speak
Speaking your truth is a punishable offense
Nothing good comes from speaking up…ever
You can’t think with your heart…your instincts are WRONG and BAD…you must always think with your head or you will get into a lot of trouble

So worth is a shaky, shaky place.  On a theoretical level we all know we DESERVE things, but I would be hard pressed to find too many women I know that feel that they are WORTHY.  I am trying.

Off to eat chocolate for breakfast,

Darcie

Finding My Voice

You know the old saying…when the student is ready the teacher will appear.  Well, I feel like my life is one big teacher these days.

I recently had the issue that my hair was falling out.  I went to the endocrinologist after a friend of mine was convinced I had an autoimmune disorder (nice…).  To make a very long story short, there was good news and there was bad news.  The good news is that my hair is not falling out because of autoimmune disorder (just stress..).  The bad news is that I have an enlarged thyroid and something that looks to be a tumor.

There are so many layers of feelings and stickiness I am not sure where to begin.

First, part of turning 40 for me was the realization that I was going to die someday.  That realization is still just sinking in and I am working to put things in place that help me accept my mortality (taking more time with family, finding meaningful work, slowing down).   Now, all of a sudden, out of the blue I am hit with the reality that I am not invincible and I am actually not well.  I think it is a little funny that I think it came out of the blue.  Life is always out of the blue, isn’t it?

After leaving the doctor’s office, I stood in the parking lot next to my car for a while and watched women come and go from the office building.  I wondered if they were “experts”.  I wondered if they had been sick for long and knew how this all worked or if they were like me and just found out.  I actually found myself hidden behind my dark sunglasses, watching people really carefully to see if there was something in their faces that could give me a hint as to how I should be acting, maybe some deep wisdom they might share, or maybe just a knowing glance…a comrade in arms.

As I stood there, I noticed was that there were a lot of old people.  To be honest, I really, really didn’t like that.  Having to be in a place where there were old people made me feel old and frail.  I don’t know if that makes sense, but I have always had an issue with older people.  I think this stems from when one of my aunts was in a home and I had to go visit her with my grandma when I was younger.  I think being around people who looked so unhappy and that smelled funny set me off on a path in life where I find old people a little scary.  I don’t want to be one of those sad, old people that smells and sits in a home staring out a window…I just don’t.  I don’t want to go out like that and I am now officially scared to death that it is a possibility.  I am crying now just at the thought of it.

Do you remember when I mentioned that my friend said she would probably never quit her job (though she knows she should be doing something else in life) unless she got sick?  I actually thought to myself … wow, that is really crazy.

Well, now I think it is a little ironic that  a month after that was written I find myself with a thyroid issue.  I believe in the connection of spirit and body.  I believe that there is an underlying spiritual meaning behind every ailment.  I liked it more in theory than in practice.  Holy shit.  I am sick and it is my thyroid.  Thyroid is connected to your fifth chakra … which is….drumroll…your voice! Well, actually my voice.

I have a loud/strong voice and people tend to think that I am bossy.  But having a voice and using a voice are two different things.  So, I have been starting to pay closer attention to what comes out of my mouth.  I am realizing that a lot of what comes out of my mouth is what I think other people want to hear.  This is fascinating to me and I can’t believe I never realized this.  My guess is that I have always been this way – I figured out what other people wanted to hear and what they wanted me to be so that is what I gave them.  But now that formula doesn’t work any longer.

I go back to the doctor in December to see if the tumor has stayed the same, grown or gotten smaller…at that time we will decide if my thyroid has to be removed. I don’t want them to take it from me.  As this rolls through my mind I think instantly about my voice…and if I was to be totally honest I don’t speak my truth and I don’t remember the last time, if ever, I did.

So I am trying it out…this telling the truth, being fully self-expressed and authentic.  Since my diagnosis, I find myself taking a pause now and really thinking about what I am saying before I speak.  I don’t know if realizing any day could be my last has really been the impetus or the fact that my thyroid/voice are “telling me” via disease that I need to use them wisely…or a combo of both.

Already, I have found a gentle yet stronger connection with family and friends (most of whom I haven’t told about my illness). I just know that I feel more connected and present when I am talking to them.

Speaking the truth,

Darcie